Overwhelmed

Today is the official first day of my summer! Last year, on the first day of my summer, I was exhausted and SO SO SO relieved to be done with the school year. If I recall it accurately, I scheduled a facial and massage for myself and then slept the rest of the day. I was worn down to the bone and could hardly make it to the end. I had my wedding to look forward to as well, so I really was itching for that checkout and last drive home. This year was different. This year I got to teach at Calvin Christian School in the community of South Holland, and it has been the best year of my life.

For one thing, the year is so much better because Brian is in it. Our first year of marriage together. I love living life with him, trusting him, learning from him, and growing with him through all the excitement and lulls of life. So he is a big factor in this year. Another thing happened, though, too. This was the year I found out that I was a good teacher. 

I said this to my kids and families gathered in my classroom on the last day of school, amid ridiculous sloppy tears (as per usual). I always I knew that I was passionate about kids, equality, and achievement. I knew I loved people and I knew that it challenged me immensely to help kids learn in all kinds of ways. But...I didn't know if I was good at it. In fact, I felt like I sucked at it. I was so weighed down in the muck of a broken system, overwhelmed with the responsibility of carrying my kids' burdens with them. My principal and coworkers, also passionate about kids and their achievement, had to bear way more than they should have been given, too. I couldn't handle the responsibility. I would cry and say to God all the time, "I can't do this on my own, so help me!" I loved my kids so much but never had a feeling that I was really good at this whole teaching gig. I didn't see my impact and felt defeated by the end of the year. As a school we would crawl our way to the last day of school. I felt like a total failure.

Then I went to Calvin. I figured I would give this teaching thing one more year, just to make sure. Then, something amazing happened: my kids showed up! They are kind, hilarious, outgoing, joyful, obedient, thoughtful, sensitive, talkative, brilliant, cooperative, and just all-around wonderful. Suddenly, I looked around and saw that all of the weight wasn't just on my shoulders. I stood with my coworkers, with my students' families, with my principal, with the local churches and we all took on this job of raising and teaching kids together. Of course it isn't a perfect system, but let me tell you, it's beautiful.  My kids grew together and ate up everything I had for them to learn. I could just feel the difference in the air. Our end of year tests confirmed what I saw in the classroom: that we had learned a lot together. The same kind of growth was going on all over the school too. I finally felt like I was a good fit for this teaching profession and I have my students to thank for it. They are such a special class of kids.

Now, for next year, I am leaving Calvin. Timothy Christian School, a school three miles from us where Brian also teaches, had an opening in second grade that I will be filling to be closer to home. The nearly 2 hours in the car each day was wearing on me, and it makes sense for where Brian and I will be in the future. I was overwhelmed at the prospect of leaving Calvin, my coworkers, and my kids. With the past few weeks though, it's been okay. It's been a bittersweet but good time of wrapping up the year and saying goodbye. There is a veteran teacher (who is so great!) taking my place. Calvin will continue to be awesome and grow as the family that it is. I'll be joining another great family, with a slightly different flavor, but still one that serves the same powerful and good God.    I am overwhelmed with the blessing of doors opened and faithful people that were put into my life this year.

As wonderful and sad and joyful and emotional as it was to say goodbye to my kids, I am looking forward to a little bit more peace. This will be my fourth classroom in four years of teaching, and the prospect of stability and routine sounds divine to my mind right now. A little less time in the car. A little more time with Brian. I'm looking forward to ending school years with a little bit less drama, because I want to find my spot and settle down. I am all done with tears because this past year has been so incredibly good. This was the year I discovered that I was good at teaching.

Do you know how it feels to discover what you're good at? Completely overwhelming. 

Row Your Boat

On Friday night this weekend Reese, Thomas, Brian, and I went to see Divergent in theaters for its opening night. (First off, I LOVED IT. I read a few reviews that complained about timing, but I thought they pulled it off perfectly. Tris and Four were awesome.) Besides the great movie, I got to sit next to Thomas, a great friend, and had a quick conversation that had me thinking about it long afterward. Thomas is one of those people from my college years who has the gift and talent of friendship. This kid will always be a good friend to people, and that is truly a cool kind of person. He asked me, "How's it going?" And I said, "It's fine, you know." And he said, "But yeah, how are you really doing?" And that of course, was the question that got us into the conversation. The one that always comes up when you ask one another, after college, how are you really doing?

We laughed about that question and came up with this kind of funny metaphor for our lives, and somehow Titanic seemed to fit. We spent four years in college, living fun lives, going to parties, making plans, sleeping in, and wasting time. We were on the big boat, without a care in the world. Then graduation hit, the boat sank, the party was over, and off we went into the dark, deep unknown. Each on our own little lifeboat. The friends we had aren't living next door or in the bunk below you, the workload has quintupled or sometimes septupled, and the schedule of working more-than-full-time is overwhelming. You stay in touch with your friends as best you can, by the little ways, but those little ways often include the social media methods, giving you the idea that other people are glamorously, beautifully, joyously, richly, living their lives to the fullest as free, happy, young twentysomethings. It's easy to look at all that from your little lifeboat and feel like you're the only one in a big, scary ocean.

 But then, Thomas pointed out that, from his perspective, he saw me doing things like moving to the city alone, working in a crazy career, all while going to grad school, which made it seem to him like I was being brave and living an exciting life. It made me remember two things. First, it made me remember that not everyone sees the piles of unfinished laundry, the empty refrigerator, and dark circles under my eyes like I do. Second, it made me remember to give myself a break, to remember that sometimes I am brave, and to keep on keeping on. My life's not perfect, but it's happening! It's going! Things are moving along, I'm learning, I'm working, I'm serving, and I'm making small little accomplishments along the way. Don't let yourself forget that, Anna.

I think we can all give one another a break. Not everyone is always glamorous, happy, or in a room full of friends. Everyone has a bad day and everyone is figuring out this whole working world thing. Everyone's rowing along in their own little lifeboat, just like you. I also think we can give ourselves a break. Unfinished laundry can mean making up new outfits, empty refrigerators can mean some fantastic Thai takeout, and there's always concealer for those under-eye dark circles from the lack of sleep. Give grace to one another and give grace to yourself. 

Because we aren't on the big boat anymore. We aren't living in the illusion that next weekend or the next party is all that there is. We're in our little lifeboats now, but it's better this way. I'd rather live this life out in the deep dark unknown, rowing along, not because it's always glamorous, but because it's real. It's no longer a frivolous life, and it's no longer boringly superficial. Finally, out on this lifeboat, life has become a little more significant.

We have to keep on rowing our boat. And I suppose even if we fall overboard from time to time, then we'll have to just keep swimming. Off into the waters, moving forward and making waves.

Transition

This post might seem a tad melancholy, and it is a little bit, but is not meant to be completely that way. Just more reflective. Today was spent going over lots of HR information, e-mailing with Teach For America AND Dominican University people about my licensing classes, and perplexing over how to set up my classroom with my co-teacher. It's that third thing that made me kind of do a double-take of my own self today.

I did a double-take because there I was, in a classroom with my co-teacher, who is extremely professional and good at what she does, and I felt like a big faker. Like I didn't have what it takes and that I couldn't shoulder my half of the work in making this first grade classroom a successful place. Sometimes I feel like a faker in this whole post-grad world in general. I feel like I'm actually still 14 years old and just masquerading as an adult. In this new apartment, driving my Volkswagen down new streets, attending new churches, and starting a new job. I feel like I have to overcompensate sometimes and be all, "Yeah! I'm totally great and I'm loving it and I'm really good at what I do and I'm on this adventure that is exciting and cool!" While all of those feelings are true sometimes, sometimes they're not. Sometimes I'm tired and feeling sick from 4 hours of sleep a night. Sometimes I'm overwhelmed. Sometimes I feel inadequate beyond measure. Sometimes I hate that I can't park wherever the heck I want to park. Sometimes I wonder why I haven't just called it a night on this whole Chicago thing and thrown in the towel. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be good at this teacher thing at all. Or good at this being-an-adult thing at all. I think that's the biggest one that weighs on me. 

But there are other times too. It's all mixed up, really. There are other times where I feel great about who I am and what I'm doing. 

Today during our HR session all the new hires were together so we had to introduce ourselves, where we are from, and something that we are proud of. I had a moment of happiness when I had to think of all the things I'm proud of because I have many. I'm proud of graduating college. I'm proud of my English degree. I'm proud of being accepted into Teach For America and being hired by a charter school right after graduation. I'm proud of my friends. I'm really proud of my family. I'm proud of the people I love. I'm proud of how I put myself out there with people, even if it's gotten me hurt from time to time. I'm proud of being hurt by others and still being optimistic anyway. I'm proud of my sixth grade summer-schoolers. I'm proud of being a small-town midwestern girl. I'm proud of my faith. I'm proud of moving to a new city by myself and starting adulthood this year. 

Maybe that's how it's supposed to be in those transition times. The good and the bad stuff. The doubts that you have and the...we'll call them the prouds that you have. I'm still strapped for cash and racking up quite the debt with the Bank of Brian and Kathy. I'm still really scared when I think of my lack of experience at my job. And I'm still a little overwhelmed when I feel like I'm going through this alone. But I'm also hopeful, excited, and proud too. Maybe I have to find that balance between being proud of who I am and what I can do while also using my lack of experience as a motivator to work my tail off to try and try and try until I get things right. 

I know eventually I'll get some things right. I know that every truly good thing comes with a price. And I know that every time I grow or get something to work out, it hurts a little (even a lot) at first on the way to get there. And I know, parking tickets and rent checks in tow, everything will work out in the end. At least that's what I believe. So with that, right now I'm going to live in the tension between the doubts and the prouds and work as hard as I can to make them even out. 

Notes of a TFA-er: You're Gonna Miss This

Yeah, I linked a sentimental country song to describe my feelings, okay? Yeah, SO?

I almost feel like I haven't been updating this week because each and every day since Sunday has brought so much along with it. I'm missing a lot of things...not in a way that I want to complain about it, but in a way that I want to talk about how much I love the things I'm missing (or will soon be missing). Here's a list of what's racing through the mind of a TFA-er at the end of Institute:

1. I miss my summer school kids. Honestly, I do. It's not that I haven't forgotten the cuss words, the weird smells, and the BADitudes that accompany 6th grade summer-schoolers at all. I remember those things very well along with the other stuff that drove me nuts. But I also remember the larger-than-life personalities, the original rap lyrics, the funny jokes, the brilliant thoughts in their responses and essays, and the trust and understanding built in such a short time.

I remember E, one of the kids who tried my patience the most, who wrote a letter to the class and teachers as a farewell message:

My favorite parts: 1) He made a special note in saying goodbye to the teachers to say "I'm going to miss you guys and you woman." 2) How E closed the note with: "Love you all, no homeo." Classic.

I remember a group of three awesome girls who performed their original "New Girl Swag" rap song that could rival a Nicki Minaj verse.

I remember J, a girl whose eyes lit up when I told her I lived in Spain for four months, and how she now plans to study abroad and study photography in Spain when she goes to college.

I remember two star soccer players, A and I, each morning bragging up the fact that they scored 2, 3, 4, and even 7 goals in their games the night before.

I remember during one of our opening morning sessions when we asked students to contribute positive thoughts, how P raised his hand, stood up by his desk, and resolutely yelled out, "I'm black, and I'm proud!" and sat back down. So awesome.

I remember T, one girl who is bent on attending University of Chicago. T also has some major behavior habits that got her a conference with me for the first two minutes of the lunch period almost every single day. I remember how I was amazed that this daily punishment actually turned out to be the thing that got us to be really close by the end of Summer School.

I remember H, one of my favorite boys, answering a question after reading a book about a woman who was a fishing boat captain when most every other captain was a man. I asked him why he thought this book was important, and he responded: "Some girls think that just because they're girls they can't do anything boys do. It's important because I think girls should believe in themselves to do anything they want to do." 

I mean, do you sees why he's one of my favorites (okay I know you're not supposed to have favorites but whatever)? Life in Room 309 was full of moments like these.

2. I miss my Trinity friends. It's weird that I'm going along through this intense process without my Trolls. I feel like although I'm only 30-45 minutes from most of them, I've been secretly living a life 10,000 miles away.  I miss waking up in a house of my best friends and never having to walk to dinner by myself like I do here. I miss knowing the exact daily schedule of my friends: when they are free from classes or when we can coordinate trips to Target and the mall together. I miss hanging out at the houses on the weekend nights. I miss knowing how all of their days have gone and whether they are having a good week or not. I sometimes miss being around people who think about the world in the same way I do. I actually enjoy being in the minority here at TFA in my religious and political views, but it definitely also can be tiring to remember where I really stand. The newness and independence of this awesome adventure is super exciting, but it's hard sometimes too. I know my college friends are there for me even when my schedule doesn't allow that much communication and face time, but still. I miss those little rascals. 


3. I'm going to miss my CMA group. So much. You were introduced to my CMA and CMA group already. These 13 people are awesome. In two short days we will all be off in a million different directions, off to take up our placement to begin our two-year commitment to TFA in different cities. Although it's only been 5 weeks, these people have been in the trenches with me since day one. As a way of coping, instead of seeing this as farewell, I'm seeing this as an opportunity to have free lodging when I visit St. Louis, Jacksonville, Milwaukee, Detroit, Seattle, and the Twin Cities. Stay positive, right? I have to say, it's going to be extra hard to begin teaching in a classroom without my collaborative of these three guys: John, Tray, and Zach. They make me laugh so much that I don't think it's allowed to classify our classroom instruction as work, but somehow we got away with it.

4. I'm going to miss Institute. Before I got here, I heard SO MUCH about Institute. I heard: "Good luck with that," "You're never going to sleep," "It's the hardest thing you'll ever do," and my favorite: "Institute is the worst." I can sometimes agree with those sentiments, but truly I've loved these five weeks. Don't believe the people who hate on it. I'm living the dorm life, not worrying about making my meals or grocery shopping, hanging out with tons of new friends, working all day with said friends, and getting to know the city in the process. I move into a new apartment on Saturday, live with new roommates (who are really great too!), start paying rent and buying groceries, and basically begin adulthood. Not to mention I'll be starting real-live orientation next Monday at my real-live job. Having my hand held by advisors, fellow corps members, co-teachers, and supervising TFA staff during summer school has been an awesome support system while doing my first teaching experience. I've grown as a teacher so much already and this process has been nothing but memorable and important to me. My first-graders will be sitting in front of me in 13 days on the FIRST of AUGUST (commence nervous twitching), and I have to be ready for them. Institute gave me the first HUGE push to get there.

Institute, obviously, is not just the experience but the people who go through the experience right alongside of you. I said often in Spain that it wasn't the places that made the semester great (although seeing the sights was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity) but the people who were there with me. If Institute is teacher boot camp, it's the people who have helped me survive. I'm off to embark on yet another step of independence next week and I'm not sure that I'm completely ready, but these people have helped me start to get there. They've pushed me, laughed with me (or mostly at me), and given me amazing examples of individuals who embrace their leadership to DO SOMETHING about the injustices that they see around them. If I could describe how I feel about these people I could say a lot of words, but the main one that comes to my mind is inspirational. I'm a lucky girl to even be here in their presence.

Now it's time to hug it out, pack it in, hang out, go out, move in, and gear up. August 1st is coming soon. 

Cominatchya!

Really long sidenote: Today, I wore leggings as pants for a few hours. Not because it was a fashion statement by any means (I can't stand when girls do that), but because that's what I wore to bed last night with an old State Farm Insurance t-shirt and proceeded to run errands in my pajamas after waking up this morning. Also, since I had gone about my busywork throughout the day sans showering, I just kept with the grossness and decided a run would make me smell even better. As I made my way around town and back to my country roads, I started to daydream and did not see the huge branch of leaves from the maple tree on a passing lawn. I proceeded to run directly into it, getting a face full of leaves. I reacted as though I had been electrocuted and flailed in all awkward directions, only to look up and see the old man across the street who was checking his mail start to laugh at me. 


ANYWAY...


Down to business. Teach for America is COMING UP SOON and I am continually doing things to get ready for it. I have "To-Do" items to cross off each and every day in addition to the never-ending packing/unpacking process I have as the aftermath of living away at college for four years. First, here's a  few facts about what it means to be in Teach For America:

- I'm not an education major, but I will be teaching!
- Teach For America employs the philosophy that it is important to have leaders in teaching positions for underachieving classrooms
- I will get my teaching certification/licensing through classes at Dominican University in Chicago
- I am officially a 2012 Chicago Corps Member, which basically means I am in this year's "class" of TFA people who are beginning their two-year commitments to teaching through this program

Here's a little timeline for what's coming up for me:

JUNE 13: Induction.
This is like FYF for you Trinity people, or Orientation for any other normal person. It takes place at IIT (Illinois Institute of Technology) where I'll move in and live for about 5-6 weeks for the Institute training time that follows. These first few days are what get us in the mindset for our training. I'm going to venture a guess that it will be ENTHUSIASTIC and FULL OF ACTIVITIES with lots of SMILING CAMP-COUNSELOR TYPES FACILITATING GROUP DYNAMICS! Believe me, I know. I'm a card-carrying camp-counselor-hyperactive-group-activity girl from my high school and college years. The get-to-know-you games will be in abundance, I can only imagine. Better start thinking of my "one interesting fact" right now. Maybe I'll go with my mad hula hoop skillz that last for hours. Or the fact that I can say the alphabet backwards. Those are my two go-to interesting facts.

JUNE 17: Institute.
This is where we get down to the nitty gritty. Training and summer school teaching. I'll be getting on a bus at about 6:00 AM with a packed lunch, teaching little children important things, heading back on a bus in the evening, lesson planning until late, crashing in bed, and repeating. This is our "student teaching," if you will. Since TFA (get used to that abbreviation and many others. sorry.) uses alternative licensing programs for their corps members (remember, we are mostly non-education majors) during this time I will also begin classes at Dominican University for my certification. As if I needed something to fill up all that spare time I'll be having, right?

August 1: First Day of School at LEARN
HOLY COW. That date is coming up very quickly, in my mind. Before this day I'll take part in an orientation for my specific school, the LEARN Network's Campell campus, and figure out what grade I'm teaching as well as my classroom setup. I can fill you in on that more later of what that really looks like. As of now, I'm praying for peace and confidence and energy and gusto as I look ahead to start the school year on the right foot.

So, there you have it. The blueprint of my summer. (I didn't include all the weddings, though, I didn't want to overwhelm you.) Until June 13, I am maddeningly getting my life/stuff in order, working on Institute pre-work and pre-reading (of which there is about 40-50 hours), and slowly trying to work out a living situation (say a prayer!). Don't worry, I'm leaving plenty of time for Jeopardy each night. Of course. It's going to be a crazy but awesome summer!

Photo evidence that I am actually making headway
on going through my stuff. This is all off to Goodwill; hopefully
many more trips to the thrift store are coming up! 

Endings and Beginnings

It happened.

I graduated college. Say whaat?! It is insane to even say. But it happened! And I am so happy!

The cousins!

On Saturday I walked across the stage and officially became an Alum of Trinity Christian College. The weather did not cooperate at all, but it helped to make the day unforgettable. We had a magnificent lady, Donnita Travis, as a speaker. She is the founder of a really cool organization for kids in Chicago (who knows, maybe we'll be working for some of the same people!). She gave a speech entitled "It's the little things you do, not the big things you say," and ended her talk with a resolute "GO GET 'EM!" which I thought was awesome! (Note to self: do that when you give graduation speeches.) I think I wouldn't mind getting lunch with this lady sometime. Then I grabbed my diploma and called it a day! 

Mi familia. Good lookin' crew, if I do say so myself. 

The whole morning was a blur. I kept looking around at my fellow classmates and thinking to myself, "How are we all here right now? How did we get to this point? Are we really in these hats and gowns right now?" It was one of those out-of-body things. We ended the day running around trying to get pictures in between downpours and navigating the chaos of all those people on our little campus. 

Daddio.

I left the event kind of all over the place, but the one thought I kept coming back to was this is a huge deal. This will be one of those days that I'll forever look back on as a watershed in my life. 

It's a lot of endings. The end of my college life and the amazing memories that define these four years. The end of my education (for now). The end of living with my five best friends. The end of my undergrad classes. The end of taking 3 hour naps in the middle of the afternoon. (I shall miss those with all my heart, believe me.) The end of familiarity. The end of this little comfort zone. The end of a lot of hard work. 

But it's also a lot of beginnings. The beginning of the "real world." The beginning of educating others. The beginning of my journey at Teach For America. The beginning of making new friends and living in a new city (no, attending Trinity does not qualify as living in Chicago). The beginning of growing up and becoming more independent. The beginning of going to sleep and waking up early. The beginning of uncertainty. The beginning of a huge new challenge and adventure. 

Siblings, laughing at Dad trying to take a picture. This is the 5th try. He's an expert. 

So. As I'm starting to prepare for Teach for America's Institute (more on the details of my job through Teach For America will come later) and search for a roommate and apartment (anybody wanna live with me on the west side? I'll make you cookies?), it is cool to keep in mind that I've reached this point - I've made it to this huge milestone. I'm really proud of myself. I'm really humbled at how blessed my life has been. I'm really anxious at the thought of how the next few years are going to turn out. But really excited too. All the great stories have a little bit of mystery. That's what makes them great! 

So what shall we do? Where do we go from here after such a big day? I think there's just one option: Let's go get 'em!! 

Get On My Level

For those of you not running the streets with myself and all the youths (to be read as Schmidt would read it), the title of this post corresponds to what I would say to you if you need to step it up. For example, if we're racing bigwheels in 1996 up the driveway and I beat you every time, I would now have license to yell "Get on my level!!" to you in a taunt of my superiority. Now that you know what it means, I should let you know that it has nothing to do with the topic of my post. Oops. But this post does have a lot to do with levels. 

I'm sitting in beautiful Cedar Grove, Wisconsin for Easter weekend for a short little calm before the storm. This is our last break before a whirlwind five weeks of classes, interviews, packing, planning, exams, and goodbyes. It's coming. Graduation. A lot of countdowns have been popping up. However many days everyone has until ________. You fill in the blank. Graduation Day, Wedding Day, First Day on the Job, Baby's Due Date, Vacation, even little weeklong countdowns to Friday Night, you name it. A lot of people are at the thresholds of significant life stages right now.

The pic is borrowed from one of my favorite blogs these days. Check it out.

We do these countdowns because we always are looking ahead to the next life level. Are you single? Well you must be itching to get into a relationship. Are you dating? Well then you OBVIOUSLY are considering caterers for your upcoming wedding. Married? When are the kids coming? Working? When does the big promotion come along? While planning and foresight is a necessary part of living a responsible life, maybe we could ease up a bit on the countdowns. There's too much pressure to rush forward for some sort of delusional idea that we're all in a race to the finish. What we don't talk about is that they don't hand you a trophy when you "win."

I do it too. I had my own countdown in Spain last spring. I kept track of how many more days I had left in Sevilla. I viewed it in different ways: on homesick days the countdown was a glimmer of hope to remind me that family/friends were waiting back home, on I-love-my-life days it was a reminder to cherish every second and squeeze every bit of Spanish goodness out of my time in my city. While I had fun tracking my time in Spain, maybe it wasn't such a great idea to check that number every day. It made me fixate on May 5th, 2011, my return day, all too much. Each and every day in Spain had a huge value to me, but my countdown kept me focusing on one of the many.

When you finally reach the destination of your countdown, you can always start the next. From birth until death, you will have the next life level to look forward to. But what we forget sometimes is that there are wonderful things about every stage. There are things that you might miss. After you cease to be single, you won't be able to make big choices independent of considering a significant other. After you have kids, you will never be able to have the freedom to spend money/travel/chill out with your spouse free from parenting responsibilities. After you graduate, you'll never have the luxury of free time between classes and a large group of people constantly around with whom you can pull shenanigans. The list goes on.

I could use a lesson in living within the day I'm in right now. As a compulsive lister, planner, and tell-me-what-is-going-to-happen type, I often look back and see how I missed exciting, wonderful things that were going on in every stage. The pace of my timeline of life has nothing to do with catching up or beating anyone else to the punch. It's a constant effort to live in the tension between being aware of the long-term, while always savoring the right now.

I think, now, more than ever, I have to look at where I'm standing and appreciate it for all it's worth. No need for jumping to the next level before its time. To quote a wise, wise soul: "Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in awhile, you could miss it." 

Teach For America

Well, friends, I got some big news today! I know, I know. You're usually dying to hear more interesting things, like the outfits I wore this week and ways that I make fun of my roommates. But it's not everyday that you get grownup future plans falling into place, so I have to share! I've been waiting for March 6 for awhile now.

Why, you ask?

Today I found out that I am accepted as a Teach For America  2012 corps member! I've been placed in Chicago and am slotted for teaching K-8 Language Arts. I'll get more specific information about school placement and exactly what classes as time goes on.

I submitted my application for the January 6 deadline, did a phone interview three weeks after that, and went through a final in-person interview at Loyola downtown on February 15 (you saw my interview outfit in this post.) Since then, I knew that 7:00 p.m. on March 6, 2012 was going to be a pretty important time for me. Throughout the process, I've filled in millions of forms, read lots of articles, and researched the work that TFA does. It's an awesome and effective program.

For tonight, I'm throwing myself a small party with this blog post. Starting tomorrow, I'm going to take a few days to truly figure out what my placement looks like and pray about my next move. I have an initial hunch that I will say "YES!" to the offer, as well as keeping my eyes open for every opportunity that presents itself in the next few months. As options like this come up I am reminded of how good God is to me, every day. It really blows me away. He knows what I need before I even tell him! I have a feeling I'll write more on that stuff in the near future, but for now, I'm just happy for some good news! Come over to Melvina and I'll give you a high five to celebrate!

The Dilemma

I've been worrying about this little guy for awhile. He's been around for over a year and he's super cute. I kinda love him and don't want him to ever leave. But alas, they say he could keep me from getting a job.

In Park Guell up in Barcelona last March

Yep, I'm talking about my eyebrow piercing. That little guy is one of my favorite things. I'm not usually one to do rebellious things with my appearance - my hair has never been dyed, I didn't catch the goth wave, and the thought of getting a tattoo freaks me out completely for three reasons: 1. I don't like permanent things 2. I don't like pain and 3. Needles freak me out. So last year, before becoming a broad abroad, I decided to just do something I wouldn't normally do. I figured it would only last a few months, right? So I grabbed Mel, Lauren, and Karley, who bravely watched me get stabbed in the face a few nights before I hopped on that plane. No, it didn't hurt all that bad. No, the world didn't end when I called my mom to tell her the news that I got it. And no, I didn't fall into a nail somehow, I did it on purpose.

And here I am a year later, filling out applications for jobs and knowing that the inevitable might have to happen. The dilemma remains: to keep or not to keep the eyebrow thing? (Hamlet's mode of questioning works for any situation: To study or not to study? To shower or not to shower? To eat the red velvet cupcakes leftover from the super bowl party, or NOT to eat the red velvet cupcakes leftover from the super bowl party? These are the deep questions of a college senior, my friends.)

I might have to get rid of him. I've heard mixed reviews: from "It actually helped me get my job," and "It shows your confidence in who you are Anna!" to "That's so unprofessional,"and "People won't ever take you seriously." Well, I think the answer is probably somewhere in the middle. Yes, my personality and presence more than makes up for the presence of a tiny piece of metal. But no, I don't want to give someone any doubt of why I wouldn't be the best hire around. I like hearing the various views on this topic as they are usually very different from person to person. The job interview world is a new one that I plan on crashing soon.

So I'll have to figure out how to reconcile my love for this little guy and my love for the idea of being gainfully employed. With a fairly important interview looming in my near future (yowza!) his days just might be numbered. Maybe. We'll see.

Happiness

...is a warm gun. No, Beatles, it's not. It's just my life lately. Wanna know why I'm super happy? No idea. I shouldn't be.

By all accounts, I really should be somewhat depressed.

To be honest, I've been kind of dreading this semester for my entire college career. That awful SPRING semester of SENIOR year. Even the thought could send a shudder down my body in the past three years. That's the semester where I really have to decide on something to do with my life - a decision I may have been avoiding on purpose. That's the semester where if you don't have a boyfriend or ring on your finger, you're kind of in the minority. That's the semester when you have to get it together. 

Coming off a huge high of being abroad in Spain, I'd be lying if I said this summer wasn't hard on me. While it, of course, had its wonderful moments, it was weird. I had figured out who I was and loved that person, but that person was different. It's a hard thing on friendships to go away, experience a huge life-changing semester with other people, only to come back and figure out how you fit in again.

I left an Anna-shaped space behind, but when I returned, I had changed shape myself (ha and yes in more than one way. We've been over the chubbiness phase before). I didn't fit that old spot I left behind. I, who am usually confident, was having an identity crisis and was second guessing myself every turn. I learned a lot about getting through that since last May 5 when I landed back in Chicago for the first time in four months.

And here we are, in that dreaded spring semester. But I'm so stinkin' happy.

I guess something clicked. I looked around me and I was astounded at what a lucky girl I am. I have amazing parents, brothers I look up to, a sister-in-law and girlfriend-in-law (terminology there?) that I really love, a beautiful niece and adorable nephew, indispensable friends and roommates that know me and love me for all my weirdness and quirks, a school where I can be myself, professors that invest in me, a fabulous car in which to zip around, classes that I enjoy, random jobs to make extra money, and a God who shows up everywhere I look. 

Even people whom I thought I didn't like, even strongly disliked, have been proving to me that there is no reason for me to write anyone off...ever. There is goodness within each and every individual, and I find that the second I start to say something negative about someone, somehow it will be made clear that the very person I put down is kind and worthwhile. Once I made a catty comment in the morning and that VERY AFTERNOON I had to eat my words as the same girl I was negative about asked me how my day was and if I was liking my classes.

I don't know. Maybe I'm rambling. But I have to say:

When I'm supposed to be panicking for a life plan, when I'm supposed to be depressed that my awesome college years are ending, when I'm supposed to be over that whole I'm-a-freshman-and-the-world-is-a-wonderful-place phase, when I'm supposed to stop being a hopeless optimist, I just look around and...

I'm not. 

I'm content. While it is a scary world out there, it's a wonderful one too. And I don't say these things to make myself seem awesome - inherent in writing this is saying that I had lots of petty, negative, and pessimistic moments last semester and summer despite my best efforts to remain positive. But what I am saying is that I have been granted peace in a time when I'm supposed to be reeling from the chaos.

And that makes me happy. 

Good Stuff: Lauren Haney

One thing I love about blogging/writing stuff down is reading and hearing from people who do the same.  The following was written by my good friend Lauren Haney: Social Media director, OPC-er, writer, adventurer, traveler, and fellow JV soccer-er extraordinaire. She is such an encouragement and example to me (and many others). Basically, she's one bad chick. And by bad I mean good in that slangy kind of way. She wrote this little number for people like myself, and yes, she did all that strange grammar and punctuation usage on purpose. Have a read and enjoy. 

Lauren and I at her graduation last May -I was a marshal for the Jr. class.
(Give me some slack for the chubbiness...this is a week
after coming back home from Spain.)

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. No Thanks, I'd Rather Be A Freak Out?!

(This goes out to all my about to be, just and post graduated people)

I love punctuation  And grammar  Well actually, I love them both when they're used properly  Otherwise they perturb me  But I hate periods 

Period

Because a period says "It's done," "I'm done," "The end," "Don't add anything else," "There are no other options," "Not looking for input," "Don't participate," etc

It certainly doesn't leave room for things to evovle or adjust or grow or expand or redirect

That's why there's some amazing and unbelievable beauty in a good, long, well-put together run on sentence - you're just not sure where it's going to go or what direction it's going to turn next so you almost feel as if you're on the edge of your seat holding your breath while you try in a most focused, concentrated fashion not to fall out of the car as it careens around turns on two wheels and threatens to lose you entirely with its next could-be-independent clause

And that's the same reason why having no idea what you're doing with your life is beyond okay  Because it doesn't need any periods  The punctuation of a clueless person is questions marks, exclamation points and an over-abundance of commas and man are those all fun  

They all say "I've barely started," "Please add something," "There's too many options to handle," "Bring on the input" and "I love communal participation"

They say "I refuse to end this just because I should"

"I won't stop when I don't know where I'm going"

and "I will take the wisdom of the crowd instead of the foolishness of only myself"

So why use periods at all?  Stop freaking out  Life is way more fun open ended  I'd rather have my life be a freak out than a period

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