Overwhelmed

Today is the official first day of my summer! Last year, on the first day of my summer, I was exhausted and SO SO SO relieved to be done with the school year. If I recall it accurately, I scheduled a facial and massage for myself and then slept the rest of the day. I was worn down to the bone and could hardly make it to the end. I had my wedding to look forward to as well, so I really was itching for that checkout and last drive home. This year was different. This year I got to teach at Calvin Christian School in the community of South Holland, and it has been the best year of my life.

For one thing, the year is so much better because Brian is in it. Our first year of marriage together. I love living life with him, trusting him, learning from him, and growing with him through all the excitement and lulls of life. So he is a big factor in this year. Another thing happened, though, too. This was the year I found out that I was a good teacher. 

I said this to my kids and families gathered in my classroom on the last day of school, amid ridiculous sloppy tears (as per usual). I always I knew that I was passionate about kids, equality, and achievement. I knew I loved people and I knew that it challenged me immensely to help kids learn in all kinds of ways. But...I didn't know if I was good at it. In fact, I felt like I sucked at it. I was so weighed down in the muck of a broken system, overwhelmed with the responsibility of carrying my kids' burdens with them. My principal and coworkers, also passionate about kids and their achievement, had to bear way more than they should have been given, too. I couldn't handle the responsibility. I would cry and say to God all the time, "I can't do this on my own, so help me!" I loved my kids so much but never had a feeling that I was really good at this whole teaching gig. I didn't see my impact and felt defeated by the end of the year. As a school we would crawl our way to the last day of school. I felt like a total failure.

Then I went to Calvin. I figured I would give this teaching thing one more year, just to make sure. Then, something amazing happened: my kids showed up! They are kind, hilarious, outgoing, joyful, obedient, thoughtful, sensitive, talkative, brilliant, cooperative, and just all-around wonderful. Suddenly, I looked around and saw that all of the weight wasn't just on my shoulders. I stood with my coworkers, with my students' families, with my principal, with the local churches and we all took on this job of raising and teaching kids together. Of course it isn't a perfect system, but let me tell you, it's beautiful.  My kids grew together and ate up everything I had for them to learn. I could just feel the difference in the air. Our end of year tests confirmed what I saw in the classroom: that we had learned a lot together. The same kind of growth was going on all over the school too. I finally felt like I was a good fit for this teaching profession and I have my students to thank for it. They are such a special class of kids.

Now, for next year, I am leaving Calvin. Timothy Christian School, a school three miles from us where Brian also teaches, had an opening in second grade that I will be filling to be closer to home. The nearly 2 hours in the car each day was wearing on me, and it makes sense for where Brian and I will be in the future. I was overwhelmed at the prospect of leaving Calvin, my coworkers, and my kids. With the past few weeks though, it's been okay. It's been a bittersweet but good time of wrapping up the year and saying goodbye. There is a veteran teacher (who is so great!) taking my place. Calvin will continue to be awesome and grow as the family that it is. I'll be joining another great family, with a slightly different flavor, but still one that serves the same powerful and good God.    I am overwhelmed with the blessing of doors opened and faithful people that were put into my life this year.

As wonderful and sad and joyful and emotional as it was to say goodbye to my kids, I am looking forward to a little bit more peace. This will be my fourth classroom in four years of teaching, and the prospect of stability and routine sounds divine to my mind right now. A little less time in the car. A little more time with Brian. I'm looking forward to ending school years with a little bit less drama, because I want to find my spot and settle down. I am all done with tears because this past year has been so incredibly good. This was the year I discovered that I was good at teaching.

Do you know how it feels to discover what you're good at? Completely overwhelming. 

Adios

One of the hard things about growing up, I've found, is that at every single stage you are saying farewell to someone or something. Always. There are new things all the time, new things to learn and fit into, but with every corner you turn, another friend or place or way of life is bid adieu.

Marriage has definitely been one of those watershed decisions for me, one that involves a fair share of goodbyes. I've said goodbye to people I love a lot lately. I left a school and coworkers and students that required every ounce of my energy and investment, one that didn't leave me unwounded, but one that forever is imprinted on my heart. I turn around and begin at a new school in a few weeks, figuring out what it means to love my kids and help them grow into the people they want to be. My brother's family, Rudi and Stephanie and kids, have started their own new chapter in a big and exciting move to the east coast. It's been harder than I thought to know that the cutie below, her little brother, and her parents aren't a quick drive away.

In these first few weeks of marriage, I've also said goodbye to a lot of ways of life, a lot of what has been the norm for me in the past few years. I'm saying goodbye to Roommate Anna in a small way, sadly watching Jen, Madeline, and others I've lived with in the magical Pilsen world move on to their next steps. But I'm also gaining a new roommate, one of the scruffy boy variety, one whom I happen to love very much. So I think this was a fair trade off. Of course, I'm also saying goodbye to myself in ways that aren't sad. I'm saying goodbye to Single Anna and Dating Anna. Thank goodness those are gone, for I was weary of the runaround and arbitrary rules of the world where that girl lived.

One question I had about this thing of marriage though, one that I'm still trying to figure out, is how to not completely say goodbye to yourself, when, in effect, you have sworn and promised that you will melt away from your current form into being one entity, on one side, and one team with another person (a beautiful thing, in my opinion). One of the things that make Brian and I work together is what makes us distinctive. I'm a bit more of an idealist/optimist, and he's more competitive. I'm more sensitive and intuitive, while he's more principled and discerning. There are all of these qualities we possess, unique to ourselves, that make it work with the other one. And yet, here we are supposed to be One. We no longer develop along our own trajectory, but affect and shape the other's development. How to maintain Independent Anna (Seinfeld fans - I hope you're laughing at that reference...) when my whole goal of this next part of my life as we move forward in marriage is actually to be Interdependent? I suppose that is why they call marriage a mystery?

Maybe saying goodbye to one way of being just leads into something else. Another way of existence. A way that is more grounded, more visceral, more incredible than any old way seemed before.