Summertime Sadness

It's my ritual at the beginning of every school year to wistfully look at pictures from the summer. It's okay, I love my job, I love my kids, but saying goodbye to summer is so, so hard. Plus Brian's been playing Lana Del Ray on vinyl so I got that Summertime, Summertime Sadness up in here. I babysat all day long during the summer, so it wasn't quite the total sleep-in-until-noon laziness that one might expect a teacher on summer break to exhibit, but it had its amazing moments nonetheless.

There are a few days of summer that I'd really, really love to relive. Here are just three of them.

This was the only photo snapped on a day trip to New Buffalo, Michigan. Reese, Danny, Brian and I headed up there (thank the Lord for summer schedules and free Thursdays!) and spent all day in the sun and water. The Warren Dunes have officially become my favorite beach within a few hours of our place. We spent all afternoon bodysurfing (or attempting to do so) and laying out. This is also where I started the last book in my big literary adventure with my friend Harry Potter, with my number one Harry enthusiast friend and encourager, Reese. When I think of a carefree summer, I think of this day. 

Ah! This day was so wonderful. This is the day that one of my favorite people on earth, Melanie Rae Lawrence herself, was asked to marry the handsome and wonderful guy of her dreams. She of course said that yes she would. I can. not. wait. for their wedding in May. She deserves every bit of happiness and warm fuzzies that she gets. 

 

Oh hayyyy Tayyyy! Okay she told me that I could call her Tay Tay. She did. I'm not kidding. We're friends now. She gave me relationship advice, friendship wisdom, and generally blew us all away. Couldn't have asked for better compadres for this adventure. I know there are a lot of haters out there as always (and best believe they gonna hate, hate, hate), but I could not have been more impressed with her live performance. Taylor, we'll be seeing you again in 2017. Just keep bringing it back to Chicago, friend. You can count on Karley, Mel, and me to be cheering for that throwback performance of You're Not Sorry, Fifteen, and Fearless that the little 11 old fans won't be old enough to know. 

Ahhh. Three fantastic days. 

Writing and God and Peanut Butter Sandwiches

Summer has been full of trips and family for the first part of June, and then it went full swing into summer-job-mode. I'm nannying this summer, which means my days are full of pool time, tennis lessons, and summer tutoring. Not to mention all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwich making, sock matching, and fort building.

It's sort of funny to me that most all of my life's earnings have centered around helping parents raise their children. From nannying through the summers, to babysitting in college, to teaching primary-aged kids for the past three years, I spend most of my time with little people. I wouldn't have predicted this for myself, though. I have friends for whom this kind of path would make sense. You know those girls? The ones that swoon and put out their hands the second a baby enters the room? Yeah, not me. Or at least it used to not be me. I still have anxiety about holding teeny tiny babies and am convinced they're allergic to me, but I am so fascinated with the people God made around me. When you love people, you can't help but absolutely love kids. I love that kids can handle so much responsibility, are so capable of deep thoughts and understandings, and that kids remind me to put my whole heart into everything I do. They are such whole-hearted people (thanks, Brene Brown, for your phrase!) and I learn so much from that mindset of living every day. Teaching has given me such a respect for the field of education, and nannying has given me such a respect for stay-at-home-moms. Heck, for moms of any variety. You people are amazing!

Even with all of the learning experiences and work opportunities, I'm finding that this summer has been a little bit more hectic than I thought it would be. My head starts to absolutely spin when I think of the prospect of teaching next year: it will be my fourth classroom in four years, and my third school in four years. I'm really thankful for the open doors, but also exhausted with the changes. I know it takes over 40 hours of logged time in my classroom for me to set it up, and I'm looking ahead on the calendar with disbelief at when that is going to happen.


Yesterday I had about seventeen different tabs open, all looking at possible classroom layouts, unit plans, teaching blogs, Teachers Pay Teachers (bless it!), and Pinterest. It got to the point where I started to whimper out loud in an actual panicked whine. I had to stop. So I shut my computer and walked away for 24 hours. And here I am again. A little less scatter brained. As I type Brian is YouTubing funny Domingo Ayala baseball videos, so I suppose that's a little distracting, but that's nothing compared to the beginning-of-school-year-anxiety that was hitting me last night. But that's cleared now, and here I am. At this page.

I love this blog, simply because it's mine. I'm pretty sure my mom is its most faithful follower (hey Mom!) followed with my Auntie Lee as a close second (hey there!), but it's not making me any money, sponsorship deals, or popularity in any way. I love it because it's a space for me to speak, to practice this thing I love so much called writing, and it just never goes away. I love that this blog is here whether I update it once a week, once a month, or once a day. Sometimes, though, when I let it go for a few days or weeks without coming here, I get itchy. Do you have that too? Do you have that thing that you know takes effort but is really good for you? Something that, neglected for a few days, starts to make you itch? Writing is that for me. Running, to a lesser extent, is that for me too, but writing is my thing.

Ever since I was a Christian (we're talking from about age 10 or so) I would journal down my thoughts about God every few days. As I grew up, and wanted to appear to be a stronger Christian to myself (ha!), I would set these rules for myself to write in my journal daily. Every day.  It began really well, and then it turned into a weird self-imposed legalism where I would lose every time. I would put the date at the top of each entry, which only compounded my guilt, since each time I opened up the journal I would face the affront of the previous entry's date. Each new entry's writing started something like this: "Oh my goodness. It's been 3 whole days since I've written or thought about you, God. I'm so ashamed." Shame and guilt as you begin your talk with Jesus? Hmmm. Not the best.

Then, my mentor at church told me to stop writing the date at the top. She said that God was less concerned with the regularity of entries and more concerned with my heart. Was I involving Him in my daily life? God just wants to be made known to me, that's all, and so you know what? I took a break from journaling altogether. It's been about 5 months and I think it's been really good for me. No more fake laws to break, and no more fake laws to grit my teeth trying to uphold so that I could feel good about myself. Just one more way that I try to earn my own ticket, to believe the lie that I'm pulling my own weight on this ride. Silly me :)

After these past months, I think I'm ready to start writing about God again. I think I'll mostly do so in my journal as usual, and maybe sometimes I'll transfer those thoughts to this space here so my mom and great aunt can read them (or maybe a few other people too!). I process best through writing things down; words are the way I forage through this world. Words are why I'm an immediate over-sharer, why I have a steady book addiction growing on my nightstand this summer, and why the best thing Brian has ever given me was a handwritten note on yellow legal paper on the morning of our wedding day. I think words are how God relates to the world (Jesus is, in fact, The Word incarnate), how he created the world, and how He speaks to me. I've heard His words lately, in the middle of my spinning brain about things going on, things to come, and the anticipation (always) of what's next.

In the middle of this hectic summer, I really have felt that pull to get back to my words and my God. I've been reading a lot about the other ways people connect, guilt-free (that's key), to their faith lately and it makes me stand in awe at all the ways we grow and learn with this sovereign, compassionate God. Nannying this summer has allowed my brain a change of pace, so that in between the pool and the peanut butter sandwiches I've started to feel that itch again, so I'm back here again at this place. The more I write, the more I want to write. It feels good. I hope you find your place this summer too.

The Big Sixty

The first whole weekend of my summer was spent in the best kind of way: with my big, crazy family. We celebrated my grandma and grandpa reaching 60 years of marriage together. 60 admittedly imperfect, but good years. Let me tell you about this group of people and why they're so special to me.



I could go on about how this huge, ever-growing mass of humanity called the VanDrunen family (also dubbed by my grandma as "Yous Kids") is a godly, straight-and-narrow bunch that never messes up. I could say how they're all perfect Christian examples. But then I'd be lying. The best part of this family? They're real! We mess up! We aren't perfect! And that imperfection is what makes me so glad to be a part of the crew. They give me the freedom to truly live, to mess up, and still be welcomed just like anyone else.

You see, there are some clans that put pressure on their kids, worry about appearances to the outside world, and shun any dissenters in their own group who veer to the right or to the left. Not this family, though. This bunch has found a way to have an incredible character and an unflinching backbone, yet live out the acceptance and compassion that can only come from Jesus.

We are far from perfect. We do things we regret. We make mistakes, big and small. But the cool thing? This family, to me, is a testament that the joy in a Christian life is not about the righteousness of ourselves; we find joy in the righteousness of God. When it's God's job to be sovereign, in control, and perfect, that frees me up to  just sit back, smile, and say thank you with my life each day.



I've learned so many things from this family. I can't take credit for any of these ideas, I just stole them from watching everyone else live out their daily walk with Jesus. Here are a few.

Believe in people. See the best in them. They will rise to meet your expectations.

Be positive.

Open your home (and table!) to anyone who needs it.

God reveals himself in all denominations, cultures, and people groups. Our family may be mostly Dutch, but we know that our God surely isn't confined to that.

Don't be afraid to change. 

Stand by your family. That means through birth or in-laws by marriage. Bad-mouthing the in-laws only hurts yourself. Think of them as your own brothers and sisters, mothers and fathers.

Forgive each other.

Respect your elders.

Aurelio's is the only option for pizza.

Your promises mean something. Back up what you say.

Show up for the people in your life.

Go through the valleys with the people you love. Don't shy away from grief just because it's uncomfortable. Those are the times that bond you together.

Tell people you will pray for them, and then actually go do it.

Eat together.

Every person is valuable.

Be kind to your friends.

Stay humble, because we are where we are only by the grace of God. Don't look down on anyone, because we are all capable of sin and struggle. We're all the same in God's eyes.

Celebrate life, because we have a good God!

(Oh, and one more thing: do goofy things together. See video for evidence.)

 

Overwhelmed

Today is the official first day of my summer! Last year, on the first day of my summer, I was exhausted and SO SO SO relieved to be done with the school year. If I recall it accurately, I scheduled a facial and massage for myself and then slept the rest of the day. I was worn down to the bone and could hardly make it to the end. I had my wedding to look forward to as well, so I really was itching for that checkout and last drive home. This year was different. This year I got to teach at Calvin Christian School in the community of South Holland, and it has been the best year of my life.

For one thing, the year is so much better because Brian is in it. Our first year of marriage together. I love living life with him, trusting him, learning from him, and growing with him through all the excitement and lulls of life. So he is a big factor in this year. Another thing happened, though, too. This was the year I found out that I was a good teacher. 

I said this to my kids and families gathered in my classroom on the last day of school, amid ridiculous sloppy tears (as per usual). I always I knew that I was passionate about kids, equality, and achievement. I knew I loved people and I knew that it challenged me immensely to help kids learn in all kinds of ways. But...I didn't know if I was good at it. In fact, I felt like I sucked at it. I was so weighed down in the muck of a broken system, overwhelmed with the responsibility of carrying my kids' burdens with them. My principal and coworkers, also passionate about kids and their achievement, had to bear way more than they should have been given, too. I couldn't handle the responsibility. I would cry and say to God all the time, "I can't do this on my own, so help me!" I loved my kids so much but never had a feeling that I was really good at this whole teaching gig. I didn't see my impact and felt defeated by the end of the year. As a school we would crawl our way to the last day of school. I felt like a total failure.

Then I went to Calvin. I figured I would give this teaching thing one more year, just to make sure. Then, something amazing happened: my kids showed up! They are kind, hilarious, outgoing, joyful, obedient, thoughtful, sensitive, talkative, brilliant, cooperative, and just all-around wonderful. Suddenly, I looked around and saw that all of the weight wasn't just on my shoulders. I stood with my coworkers, with my students' families, with my principal, with the local churches and we all took on this job of raising and teaching kids together. Of course it isn't a perfect system, but let me tell you, it's beautiful.  My kids grew together and ate up everything I had for them to learn. I could just feel the difference in the air. Our end of year tests confirmed what I saw in the classroom: that we had learned a lot together. The same kind of growth was going on all over the school too. I finally felt like I was a good fit for this teaching profession and I have my students to thank for it. They are such a special class of kids.

Now, for next year, I am leaving Calvin. Timothy Christian School, a school three miles from us where Brian also teaches, had an opening in second grade that I will be filling to be closer to home. The nearly 2 hours in the car each day was wearing on me, and it makes sense for where Brian and I will be in the future. I was overwhelmed at the prospect of leaving Calvin, my coworkers, and my kids. With the past few weeks though, it's been okay. It's been a bittersweet but good time of wrapping up the year and saying goodbye. There is a veteran teacher (who is so great!) taking my place. Calvin will continue to be awesome and grow as the family that it is. I'll be joining another great family, with a slightly different flavor, but still one that serves the same powerful and good God.    I am overwhelmed with the blessing of doors opened and faithful people that were put into my life this year.

As wonderful and sad and joyful and emotional as it was to say goodbye to my kids, I am looking forward to a little bit more peace. This will be my fourth classroom in four years of teaching, and the prospect of stability and routine sounds divine to my mind right now. A little less time in the car. A little more time with Brian. I'm looking forward to ending school years with a little bit less drama, because I want to find my spot and settle down. I am all done with tears because this past year has been so incredibly good. This was the year I discovered that I was good at teaching.

Do you know how it feels to discover what you're good at? Completely overwhelming. 

Ah.

These days I'm getting fingerprinted and renamed, unpacking and setting up, learning new curriculum and coworkers. I'm waiting in lines, filling out forms, and catching up with friends for the last few times before the new school year starts and it's all kind of hit me like a hurricane. Devotions, cleaning, and exercising have, of course, all been pushed aside (as I am so easily self-persuaded to do). Why the rush around like this, the false impression I give myself of self-importance to the point where I am out of touch with who I am and what I'm doing here? Maybe it's a first world problem, being caught up in a lot of schedule-y nonsense that keeps the main things from being the main things. I cringe at first-world-problems, that in my comfortable life I trip into a shallow view of the world so easily, but Jesus wasn't joking around with the bit about the camel and the eye of the needle, I suppose. I believe my comings and goings to be so earth shattering that I forget a trip to Target is a luxury and a meal at Chipotle is a delicacy when I really think about my life. Yet here I am, drowning in schedules and getting ready and running around.

And that's when it hits me.

Ah. Yes. Silly me. Psalm 46:10 of course.

The solution to my chaos? I need only to be still. 

In that stillness, I need to order my life after One who ordered the universe into existence before I  ever ditched a workout, ignored the laundry, or neglected to read the next passage in my Bible. Jesus Christ is Lord, and so it's all Good. God has it under control, and He has me. So my obedience is what comes next, naturally. Now the hard part is to just practice this sacred art.

Of Being Still.

Crazytown

The end of year crazies set in well over a week ago here in first grade and dangit, that means time for some random activities to spice life up a bit! Below, you'll see pictures of some of the stuff I've had my kids do to shake up our life a tad in Room 25. You'll also see a picture of a pink paper mache bunny rabbit, but that was a gift that my kid Z gave me out of the blue. He said he made it in daycare. I said that it was one of the nicest things that anyone has ever given me. And it really is. So sweet.

Check out what we've been doing in Room 25. Shaving cream words, finger painting, and building our very own city out of cardboard boxes and whatever else was laying around. They've been doing a great job with it all! Anything to keep them having fun, me with my sanity intact, and all of us pushing forward to that last day of school. Just keep swimming...

So Long, Sweet Summer

I have this moment every year. This moment when I realize that, yes, truly, my summer is over. Done. Gone. Never to be seen again until I make it through the horrendous Chicago winter. Dashboard Confessional plays in my mind (gets you nostalgic for high school, doesn't it?) as I look back on all the stuff I fit into my (extremely short) summer this year. Four weeks wasn't much, but I enjoyed it! 'Til next time, summertime. I'm already over three weeks into my year of teaching and it is time for some happy memories from summertime, Chicago, good people, and good food.

It's just not summer without a trip to Miller Park. 

 

Roadtrip with one of my faves to go see two other favorites. 

Architectural boat tour of the city with Heidi, who got to spend two days with me! 

My favorite restaurant ever with the roommates

Camping with Trinity friends, compliments of Karley's talent for planning things

Beautiful friends coming in to go and attend some beautiful weddings. 

Multiple trips to The Bean. 

Actually having time/energy to go out on the town with friends. 

Lots of good times with this cutie. 

This cutie too. 

And, to top it all off, a disgusting selfie after finishing my first half marathon. 

Good Friends

Last weekend, Karley Mae did what she does best: she got everyone together. We all need people in friend groups like Karley. We'd never see one another or do anything fun without her.

We drove out to New Buffalo, Michigan (adorable little beach town just over the border) for a camping trip and a day at the beach. Let it be known to the world that I DID GO TO THE BEACH THIS SUMMER. For once. Last year with the chaos after TFA Institute my only day at the beach was on Labor Day. This year I now officially went to the beach in July. At least once. We made pudgy pies (yum), played board games, slept in a 10-person tent (it pays to have friends who receive cool wedding presents), hung out at the beach (the freckles are back, people), ate at Redamaks, and sat around a bonfire with good friends That, to me, is bliss. 

I needed this kind of thing in my summer so badly because I was starting to feel a general aura of melancholy at the shortness of my break. I ended teaching on June 19th and go back to school July 24th. The kids' first day of school is August 1st. So, yep, four weeks of summer for me. And then beyond that, I decided it would be a good idea to take a class this summer for grad school. I'm sure I'll be glad I did it, so that I have less coursework to worry about during the school year, but it took away that summer feeling of freedom that I had been looking forward to so earnestly during that last stretch of teaching. I was starting to think that summer wouldn't deliver on its promise.

What I've found now is that it's not about getting long, uninterrupted time in which to waste away and do nothing. I don't need that. I need moments and breaks in the chaos with good friends. With good people. When I can find moments like those, my brain can start to decompress. Even though, in June, I was looking at the schedule ahead of me and thought that summer was starting to be a figment of my imagination, I've found this time to be so wonderful. Even when I'm busy and even when I have work to do and even when I'm watching the days fly by. All you need are some good friends.

Eating Out

Spring and Summer in Chicago has seen a big change in my budget. The amount alloted for food has been severely increased. And we're not talking groceries. The weather is nice and I am just throwing money out the window on restaurants. In some ways I feel guilty, but in other ways I just am embracing the goodness of getting dinner with friends.

What is it about eating together that makes us so happy? (Or, rather, makes ME so happy?) Going out to eat is quickly becoming my favorite way to spend my money. Almost over going out, concerts, or traveling (although I love all those three things of course). Without much of a summer (I go back to school in less than 2 weeks...) this has been one little way I've been making my summer feel more like a vacation.

Jen (the roommate) at Ba Ba Reeba

out at Native Foods (a vegan place...I'm branching out people) 

Heidi came to visit!

Sniped.  

 

Get Back

Yep, the title is supposed to cue this song to start playing in your head. Sometimes I feel like I'm hurling through a weird time warp in this Teach For America world. They speak their own language, there's a certain type of people here (no worries - it's a good type!), and there surely is a new culture to learn being a corps member in this organization. Just somewhat of a cultural shock. That's why when Karley had us over on Friday it was like one massive exhaled breath for me. Just some of my Trinity friends, grilling out and sitting around a fire as we caught up and hung out. Sometimes you just need to get back where you belong for a hot second for a little perspective.

 

 

 

Now I'm back in my dorm at IIT, and I'm nervously touching up lesson plans that will be delivered TOMORROW to REAL LIVE SIXTH GRADERS in REAL LIVE SUMMER SCHOOL. The first day. As of now I'm not sure if this lesson is going to take twice the allotted time that I have (I'm always one to write and talk too much) or if it's going to finish in ten minutes and the students and I will stare awkwardly at one another for the remainder of class until someone starts a food fight or running with scissors or other mass chaos that I won't know how to handle. Hopefully it's somewhere in the middle. I'll let you know if I come out on the other side alive and well. Woohoo!