Think Happy Thoughts

I had a rough little day of self-esteem. I won't go in too deeply, but let's just say a bad dressing room session and horrendous skin situation (it's bad, people) combined forces to shake my pride pretty badly today. I've decided to not feel guilty when I whine write about these stupid feelings because they are, although stupid, 100% real. I am trying to live well in spite them instead of ignore them. Maybe I'll let you know more about that soon (hint: it has a lot to do with a book I've freshly finished called Daring Greatly). Anyway, one of my solutions to a big self-confidence setback is bouncing that energy off of my main man, who tends to reflect back to me a healthy vision of my worth. Brian is good at helping me through a bad day, as long as I am willing to let him help me through it. Funny how, if you make up your mind to be, you can stay miserable as long as you'd like. Today, though, I decided to let him help me through it. We talked to each other over (I must say, delicious) dinner (high-five Anna, you domestic goddess, you) and he listened to my fears and problems without making me feel like a crazy person. Isn't that all you could ask for to sort through a bad day? A real conversation and a "no-I-don't-think-you're-nuts-and-in-fact-I-love-you" attitude? I appreciate him so much for that.

Another solution I have to bad days is remembering the really good ones. This weekend was a string of some really good ones. I'll share them with you in case you need to borrow some good day vibes, free of charge.

Saturday was a whirlwind of a day, as Karley and I had the privilege to be our cousin Becky's personal attendant. Now, sometimes the job of personal attendant gets a bad rap, but in our case, it was a long but fabulous day. It was basically an excuse to hang out with Becky, one of my favorite humans on the planet, and share in her joy as she married the man of her dreams. Kaleb really is the exact guy I would have cooked up for Becky, and I'm so glad they found each other. My day was spent following the photographer's second shooter (I may or may not have dubbed myself the "third shooter") and saying things like, "Okay so what shot are we looking for her'e? and "Are we trying to get the groomsmen getting ready in the horrible lighting?" I kept saying "we" in hopes that I could pretend that I was getting into wedding photography. Or just photography in general. I suggested one angle for a picture of theirs and immediately felt like I should start charging people thousands of dollars for my services. See, this is why I can't be an artist. The ego would just consume me.

Needless to say it was a day of dancing and happiness and peacocks. Yes, there were peacocks. The best part? Seeing my family, this ever-growing, ever-changing organism, come together and support one another, as they always do. I love being a part of a family that is so unconditionally supportive. As a member of it, you know that you have a crew of people standing witness to your growth, your promises, and your imperfections, loving you through all of them. It's a freeing and empowering thing, to be a part of such a family.

Sunday was also just bliss. We slept in and totally skipped church. (Sssshhhh, don't tell. Well, I mean, I don't actually care. TELL IF YOU MUST. #SORRYNOTSORRY) I love our church and love our Sunday routine. Our church is actually one of my favorite places on earth. This weekend, though, was time for us to pump the breaks. My brother Rudi used to tell me that Christians absolutely love skipping church, because it makes you feel like you're getting away with something. Kinda true! But you know what? I think God understood. I talked with God all about it and it's good between us. Brian and I got a full night of sleep for the first time in absolutely forever and we woke up with ridiculous happy faces at the decadent 9:45 in the morning. Pure bliss I tell you.

The day just got better from there. We went on one of our food adventures for brunch up north. We trekked up in the direction of his parents' house and stopped at Once Upon a Bagel in Highland Park. Even though we were on the north side of Chicago, it felt very Philadelphia in there. I was loving the culture. Brian loves these kinds of places too. What can I say? We bond over food! #truelove

We went from there to procrastinate get a few things done at Hansa Coffee Shop in Libertyville, the town where Brian's from in this area. This was a complete favor to me, because Brian knows I love this place. I want to go every time we visit up there, and this time my wish was granted. It's in a refurbished garage with a great atmosphere. I sipped black tea out of a mug the size of my face while making up backstories in my head as I people-watched and it was awesome.

We finished the night at the Whartnaby establishment in Libertyville, where SuperBeth was hosting a party for all of Ed's 20 salesmen who were in town for a business thing. The place was packed with personality and funny comments and I loved it. It made me feel super proud of my father-in-law, super proud of my mother-in-law, and super proud to be considered part of their clan that they want their employees to meet. We left, of course, with leftovers in tow for Monday night's dinner and headed back to la casa de Ovaltine. It was the end of a string of two very, very good days. Ahhhh. Happy thoughts = happy Anna.

An Easter Life

Today is one of the most exciting days. It's a day when we remember the best thing ever: the victory we have in Jesus because He is alive. It's Easter! I get goosebumps when I think about how exciting it is to be loved by a living God.

I think of so many wonderful things on days like today. I think of overwhelming hope in the face of what used to be overwhelming despair, special church services, favorite hymns, and ridiculous-but-delicious Cadbury eggs. I think of time with family. I think of happy Facebook statuses that take a one-day break from opinions, debates, and arguments for the sake of rejoicing in the good. I think of grace and gratitude and warm sunshine in my soul. I think of everything being new. Easter is great, is it not? 

The hard part, for me, though, is to transport the meaning of Easter to the rest of things. To the rest of the days of the year, even the very Monday that comes after it. If everything that I love about Easter is true today, then I must ask myself: Will Easter still be true tomorrow?

See, I've been weary lately. Not of my life, or the (kind, thoughtful, handsome, wonderful) husband, or the job, but of this world we Christians construct around ourselves sometimes. I've been weary of those debates and arguments we've all been having, in the name of protecting what we have. To be honest, I'm kind of sick of working through who is right and who is wrong and who is in and who is out. That is definitely a naive thing to say, because, I know...discourse! ...righteousness! ...principles! 

Of course it is easier to skip the tough discussions, hard questions, and honest dialogue. There is truly a place for those things. I believe that place happens to be face to face with some relationship-buliding behind it, but hard questions and tough discussions is where growth happens. I am such a sucker, though, for seeing the world in variations of gray rather than black and white, which makes it fun for my black-and-white-minded husband to try to figure out my weird brain. Poor guy.

And yet, I've felt this freedom, today, on Easter, from all of those hard discussions. He has risen. He is alive. Everything can be new again.

I've been tired of being so defensive. Do we really have to argue down every issue or political stance or debate that comes up against us? See, when I think of Easter and how it is so true, I feel this incredible weight off my shoulders that tells me Easter doesn't need fighting for; it speaks for itself. It just needs sharing. If we spent half as much of our time living out the redemptive meaning of Easter as we do typing up snarky rants against those who disagree with it, I think our message of grace would hit much more deeply. This is me preaching to myself as much as anyone: there is something pretty powerful about living a life of love rather than rationalizing a life of rhetoric. Maybe that's silly to you, but as a compulsive over-analyzer, it sounds heavenly to me.

I think about myself and see all the things that God can take and make brand new in me: my confidence, my wanderlust, my self-image, my insecurities, and my doubts. I have an overwhelming hope when I think about Easter intersecting with those things. The same power that allowed Jesus to live again is the power that can come into my life to work in all of those dark corners. He can make everything in me new again.

Do you think we could all be new again? Could the way we address each other, the way we judge one another, the things we assume of one another, all change and be made new, like it's Easter every day? Could we live an Easter life at work, at home, at church? Could we live an Easter life online with one another, too? Even when we're commenting on articles or pictures or blog posts? I really think we can.

As I head into the day after Easter, I'm going to try and see what it's like to spill a little of today's clarity and freedom into the rest of the week. Easter will still be true tomorrow, and every day after that. Hallelujah!

Sunday Morning Epiphanies...on Monday Night

These are the words to one of my absolute favorite songs we sing at Covenant Presbyterian. Come to Chicago and check it out if you want a morning of meaningful, beautiful worship.

I love it, and hope you would too. Check out the lyrics, they speak to my life in so many ways:

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As a deer in want of water, so I long for you, O Lord.
All my heart and being falter, thirsting for your living word.
When shall I behold your face? When shall I receive your grace?
When shall I, your praises voicing, come before you with rejoicing?

Bitter tears of lamentation are my food by night and day. 
In my deep humiliation "Where is now your God?" they say.
When my sorrows weigh on me, then I bring to memory
how with throngs I would assemble, shouting praises in your temple.

O my soul, why are you grieving why disquieted in me?
Put your hope in God, believing he will still your refuge be. 
I again shall praise his grace for the comfort of his face;
he will show his help and favor for he is my God and Savior.

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Aren't they amazing words? I feel like this is the inner dialogue in my heart most of the time when it comes to my spiritual life. It seems not very brave or sure of myself at all, because, well, that is kind of what I am: not all that brave or sure of myself. I think that's why this one resonates so deeply with me. Here's the cycle I follow fairly perpetually:

I go from waiting impatiently: When shall I behold your face? When shall I receive your grace? Basically I get sick of being a faithful follower of Jesus and want to take shortcuts. Why can't I have a payoff? Where's my blessing? Why is this life so hard? Why can't these choices be easier? 

To despair and doubts: In my deep humiliation "where is now your God?" they say. Is God even there? Does He even still speak to us? Where is he? 

To snapping out of it: O my soul why are you grieving, why disquieted in me? Wait, Anna, you know this. God is here, and he is working. Just open your eyes. 

To being a little bit braver than before: He will show his help and favor for he is my God and Savior.  I can face today. If He's really in charge, I can do today. 

Rinse, and repeat. 

Anybody have the illusion that Christians have it all together? Or are any more confident in themselves than anyone else? Or know what to do when they feel tired, weary, unsure, and worried?

Nope.

I am just as confused, weak, and scared as anyone. I know better than to hope in myself. That's not going to do any good.

My hope is in God, my only refuge. He is the song I can sing. 

Sunday Morning Epiphanies

My church sang this song today. Today I'm praying this kind of illumination for my heart all week long.

- - - - -

O Splendor of the Father's light
That makes our daylight lucid, bright;
O Light of light and sun of day,
Now shine on us your brightest ray.

True Sun, break out on earth and shine
In radiance with your light divine;
By dazzling of your Spirit's might,
Oh be our dawn, our light's true source.

The Father sends his Son our Lord,
To be his bright and shining Word;
Come, Lord, ride out your gleaming course
And be our dawn, our light's true source.

- St. Ambrose (340 - 397) 

Sunday Morning Epiphanies

"Man of Sorrows," what a name
For the Son of God who came
Ruined sinners to reclaim!
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Bearing shame and scoffing rude,
In my place condemned He stood;
Sealed my pardon with His blood;
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Guilty, vile and helpless we;
Spotless Lamb of God was He;
"Full atonement" can it be?
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

Lifted up was He to die,
"It is finished," was His cry;
Now in heaven exalted high;
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

When He comes our glorious King,
All his ransomed home to bring,
Then a new this song we'll sing:
Hallelujah! what a Savior!

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Wow. Sometimes I find myself asking that: Can it be? That the guilty, vile, human being that I am, can be covered and atoned by spotless You? Hallelujah indeed.

Overwhelmed

Now I love Brian for many reasons. I guess I learn new reasons every day or so, little things that pop up and teach me about the guy I married. Not that I didn't know about Brian's convictions before Sunday, August 10th, but that day reminded me yet again of my husband's character. It's one of the best things about him.

Now, before I begin, I need to note that my principles aren't quite as strong as his sometimes. I tend to get too easily bogged down in the people pleasing thoughts, areas of gray, and the what-will-people-thinks that go around in my brain, while Brian's world is much more black and white. This is the best when it comes to his faith.

I love Brian's simple faith. I say simple not to imply a juvenile, shallow, or misinformed kind of faith in God, but in a wholehearted, keep-the-main-things-the-main-things kind of way. He is one of the most thoughtful, complex, and articulate people I know, but wants with all his heart to follow Christ in the basic and best of ways: Love God and Love Others. He wants to be obedient. He wants to act correctly. He finds contentedness in the daily plodding of the Christian's life. And he would hate to know that I'm writing all this about him because he is not one to cherish the center of attention like this. But I have to write it, because this kind of simple faith and strong character is such an example to me. On August 10, Brian stepped forward in obedience to a command that Christ has been calling to his heart for a long time now: Repent and be baptized. He had this opportunity to make a public statement of faith along with his brothers and father on the same day, and I could not have been more proud of him. I come from a long line of infant sprinklers, not adult dunkers, so this whole concept was brand new to me and a subject I approached tentatively, not sure how I felt about it or how to understand it. And yet, watching it happen was an amazing experience I will never forget. 

I felt so full and humbled and glad for the one I married, and so thankful and overwhelmed by the One who saved us. Praise God.

The Fountain

I have hardly read such a beautiful thing in my life. From Sunday morning:


If we seek redemption, it lies in his passion; if acquittal, in his condemnation; if remission of the curse, in his cross; if satisfaction, in his sacrifice; if purification, in his blood; if reconciliation, in his descent into hell; if mortification of the flesh, in his tomb; if newness of life, in his resurrection; if immortality, in the same; if inheritance of the Heavenly Kingdom, in his entrance into heaven; if protection, if security, if abundant supply of all blessings, in his Kingdom; if untroubled expectation of judgment, in the power given to him to judge.

In short, since rich store of every kind of good abounds in him, let us drink our fill from the fountain, and from no other.

- John Calvin

Sunday Morning Epiphanies

Sometimes I am so moved by something in church that it takes over my brain for the rest of the day, maybe even the following week. We sang this poem in church this morning as a Confession and it was incredible. It is one of those things that struck me, and, although it is admittedly long, I hope you don't think of me as some church weirdo, but rather that it's something you can identify with as well. I took the liberty of highlighting my favorite verses. I love finding those moments of awe on what should, by all accounts, just be a regular Sunday morning. 

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The Grieved Soul

By: Joseph Hart

Come, my soul and let us try, For a little season,

Ev'ry burden to lay by, Come and let us reason.

What is this that cast you down, Who are those that grieve you?

Speak and  let the worst be known; Speak and God will hear you.

O, I sink beneath the load of my nature's evil!

Full of emnity to God; Captived by the devil.

Restless as the troubled seas, feeble, faint, and fearful'

Plauged with ev'ry sore disease, How can I be cheerful?

Think on what thy Saviour bore in the gloomy garden.

Sweating blood at every pore to procure thy pardon!

See him stretched upon the wood, bleeding grieving crying,

Suffering all the wrath of God, groaning, gasping, dying!

This by faith I sometimes view and those view relieve me;

But my sins return anew, these are they that grieve me.

Nothing good within me dwells; E'en God's love rejected,

Have not I, if any soul, cause to be dejected?

Think how loud thy dying Lord cried out, "It is finished!"

Treasure up that sacred word, whole and undiminished;

Doubt not he will carry on, To its full perfection,

That good work he has begun; Why, then, this dejection?

Faith when void of works is dead; This the Scripture's witness;

And what works have I to plead, who am all unfitness?

All my powers are full of greed, blind to truth, unholy;

If from death I'm fully saved, Why am I not healthy?

Pour not on thyself too long, lest it sink thee lower;

Look to Jesus, kind and strong, mercy joined with power;

Every work that thou must do, will thy gracious Saviour

For thee work, and in thee too, for his laud and honor.

Jesus' precious blood, once spilt, I depend on solely,

To release and clear my guilt, This then makes me holy.

He that bought me on the cross, can control my nature;

Fully purge away my dross; Make me a new creature.

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Amen.