No-Shame November

Some people do No-Shave November. I'd rather not be disgusting and I'm not a hippie girl, so I do No-Shame November instead. Inspired by my friend Liz, I did a post to start my little tradition last year and it was really refreshing to do. It helped change my mindset in some ways. Basically, I want to identify one thing that is true about myself that I am ashamed to admit and get it out there. Then I want to work on it. 

So here we go. Ready? I'm ashamed that...

Sometimes I want to quit Teach For America. Sometimes I want to give up. 

Is that terrible to say? Somewhere, Wendy Kopp just furrowed her brow and pursed her lips in judgement. There are times when people ask me what I'm up to these days, and I tell them. I say I'm doing Teach For America in Chicago in a second-grade classroom. That's usually very well received and accompanied by some sort of vague encouragement that I'm some sort of really good person for doing this. (Hint: I'm no better than anyone!) I believe my motivations for joining TFA were and are still pure, and I  want to continue to do this shindig for the good of my kids who are totally worth it and who deserve better than what the system is giving them. But I have to be truthful. It's really hard. I know that's obvious and lame to say, and I knew it would be hard all along, but I just want to be honest about what's going on.

No. I'm not going to quit. I'll stick it out. But what makes me ashamed is that I find myself wanting to quit sometimes. There are those days when I'm inspired and motivated and fired up about the world's problems and am ready to roll up my sleeves and GET TO WORK to start solving this whole thing. But that's not how I feel all the time. And that sucks. I hate that I feel that way sometimes.

I'm ashamed to admit the jealousy I feel towards those who aren't doing this crazy teaching thing. I'm jealous of those with cushy office jobs, part-time filler jobs, more semesters of school or grad school, and living arrangements with their parents. Who get to enjoy their Sunday afternoons. Who get to use the bathroom whenever they need to use the bathroom.

I'm ashamed to admit that I still feel like a weak sauce teacher sometimes. Like I am still trying to get the hang of it and it's been almost four months.

I'm ashamed that I don't always feel like the confident, courageous, compassionate person that signed up to do this. I know I still am that person and always will be, but when one student is flailing in circles on the floor, another is yelling a cuss word at 392 decibels, another is crying because someone kicked her on purpose under the table, and another just threw up, I tend to forget that person.

Honestly, I think it's good to fail a little bit. It's shown me what a huge problem our country (and our city in particular) has on its hands with this batty school system. It's shown me the intense work, talent, and passion that has to be invested in the problem to start making some changes. It's shown me that I have to work at things and that most great great things come at the end of difficult roads. This experience is already making the point plain as day that I can't rely on myself to solve everything. I alone am not going to be the answer to any problems. But what can I do?

I can show up. I can do my part. I can be one person who makes that choice, whether I'm feeling like it or not, to care. I can choose to be patient. I can choose to work hard. I can choose to celebrate the small good things instead of vent about the bad things. I can choose to keep at it. And with God's help I can maybe start to chip away at some things.

I'm resolving to fight off those thoughts of quitting, because at this point it's not an option for me or my kids. I have it on my mind to love my kids more, pray for my kids more, and listen to my kids more. I have it on my mind to never never never give up. As we go into Thanksgiving break, this is what's on my mind. There's no shame in that.