These are the words to one of my absolute favorite songs we sing at Covenant Presbyterian. Come to Chicago and check it out if you want a morning of meaningful, beautiful worship.
I love it, and hope you would too. Check out the lyrics, they speak to my life in so many ways:
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As a deer in want of water, so I long for you, O Lord.
All my heart and being falter, thirsting for your living word.
When shall I behold your face? When shall I receive your grace?
When shall I, your praises voicing, come before you with rejoicing?
Bitter tears of lamentation are my food by night and day.
In my deep humiliation "Where is now your God?" they say.
When my sorrows weigh on me, then I bring to memory
how with throngs I would assemble, shouting praises in your temple.
O my soul, why are you grieving why disquieted in me?
Put your hope in God, believing he will still your refuge be.
I again shall praise his grace for the comfort of his face;
he will show his help and favor for he is my God and Savior.
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Aren't they amazing words? I feel like this is the inner dialogue in my heart most of the time when it comes to my spiritual life. It seems not very brave or sure of myself at all, because, well, that is kind of what I am: not all that brave or sure of myself. I think that's why this one resonates so deeply with me. Here's the cycle I follow fairly perpetually:
I go from waiting impatiently: When shall I behold your face? When shall I receive your grace? Basically I get sick of being a faithful follower of Jesus and want to take shortcuts. Why can't I have a payoff? Where's my blessing? Why is this life so hard? Why can't these choices be easier?
To despair and doubts: In my deep humiliation "where is now your God?" they say. Is God even there? Does He even still speak to us? Where is he?
To snapping out of it: O my soul why are you grieving, why disquieted in me? Wait, Anna, you know this. God is here, and he is working. Just open your eyes.
To being a little bit braver than before: He will show his help and favor for he is my God and Savior. I can face today. If He's really in charge, I can do today.
Rinse, and repeat.
Anybody have the illusion that Christians have it all together? Or are any more confident in themselves than anyone else? Or know what to do when they feel tired, weary, unsure, and worried?
Nope.
I am just as confused, weak, and scared as anyone. I know better than to hope in myself. That's not going to do any good.
My hope is in God, my only refuge. He is the song I can sing.
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